Sunday 28 April 2013

Waxing, Xmas, Yarn and Zucchini: The grand finale





I was too busy this week to finish the rest of my posts in a timely fashion, so today you get 4 things I hate for the price of one...enjoy!

Waxing: Voluntarily ripping your body hair out makes me question female sanity. Yes, it's nice to not have a unibrow or leg hair that you could braid, but why the fuck does the process have to be so painful?? I had a bikini wax once...there was screaming and an escape attempt that was thwarted by my esthetician friend who literally wrestled me back on the bed, pinning me down and ignored my insistence that I did not care if I walked around with one side of my bikini line unwaxed on my vacation, because I don't know anyone in Mexico anyway and if anyone asked I'd tell them I was rocking the newest trend in asymmetrical pube fashion. She waxed the other side against my will, so while it was nice not to not worry about scaring my fellow vacationers with an entire winter's worth of bikini line pube jungle, I'm sticking to a razor thankyouverymuch.

Xmas: Two things I hate about the holiday season...the rampant commercialism and consumer guilt. It's bad enough that stores start pulling out their Xmas shit by Labour Day, but companies who try to guilt me into buying Spielberg  thousands of dollars worth of crap he doesn't need annoys the fuck out of me. I don't need some marketing company suit-dummy who gets paid an obscene amount of money to shame parents into believing if they don't buy their kid the latest gadget or toy the fucking world will come to an end because you're a uncaring mom who is depriving their precious child of something vital to their well-being. Like the latest iphone that costs $700. Fuck you suit-dummies...shove your shame so far up your corporate ass that it never sees the light of day again.

Also, Xmas music is the bane of my existence for the entire month of December, but that's something I rant about annually already, so we can skip it for today.

Yarn: I don't hate yarn itself as much as I hate the shit some people make out of yarn
Happy Birthday, I knitted you some dog shit. Seriously, there's a knitting pattern for shit??? WHY???
I don't even have words for this
Put down the knitting needles and step away from the yarn. Enough said.

Zucchini: This is my most despised and hated vegetable. I hate the taste, smell, texture and I truly believe zucchini was invented as some kind of sick, cosmic joke. My mother loves zucchini which turned dinnertime into a vegetable war zone when I was a kid because she insisted on serving it, I'd insist there was no way I was eating it unless it was forcibly jammed down my throat thus rendering dinner into some kind of zucchini stand-off. My mom got far more wily about the zucchini presentation and started sneaking it into casseroles, hoping I wouldn't notice. I noticed and got extremely adept at spotting a tiny piece of that vegetable evil and would not eat until I was sure I had picked every single piece out. Then my mother got even more shady and started pureeing zucchini and sneaking it into shit like strawberry jam and chocolate cake. It got to the point I had to examine all foodstuff for tiny, telltale green flecks. Needless to say my own kitchen is now and will forever be a zucchini-free zone and my kid has never eaten that crap. Unless my mother has continued her shenanigans and snuck it into his dinner and I would NOT put that past her

Collectively, waxing, Xmas, yarn and zucchini earn 5 flaming middle fingers on the Hate-O-Meter because individually they all suck, but together they form a team of horror so heinous there are not enough middle fingers in the world to express my dismay






15 comments:

  1. My mom waxed my eyebrows when I was ten. Waxing IS a horrible, HORRIBLE thing. I almost decided that I only needed one done and ended up going to school with an arch and a caterpillar on my face because FUCKING OUCH! My eyebrows are the same shape now as they were after she subjected me to that horror...
    Xmas music drives me insane. When businesses and radio stations start playing that shit in November, I want to gouge my earballs out with a rusty ice cream scoop. The odd thing is that I actually sing it randomly throughout the year when it's NOT playing. Never during the holiday season.
    People do make the stupidest shit out of yarn. And you're right, there really are no words for those pants with the creepy eyeball loincloth thing. Just 3 letters. WTF?!
    Zucchini is evil. I have to serve it to people at work, and am half tempted to blow a snot-rocket into it just to give it some flavor besides *bleck!* because eew. (I wouldn't really do that, btw. Mostly because I'm no good at snot-rockets. But also because it's fucking grosser than the actual zucchini.)

    I am so happy that you went out with a bang too! I'm actually surprised that you kept going. This post is so full of the awesome that it hurts! I'm supposed to be getting in the shower right now, but I've missed a lot of your posts, so I'm going to go read them instead because: priorities. Work can wait!

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    1. I totally lost steam this last week...got busy, didn't prewrite my posts and then remembered that I'm not officially doing this challenge anymore so who cares if it's late or 4 posts in one? lol

      I think you should blow a snot rocket at whoever decided serving zucchini at your work was a good idea in the first place :D

      Fuck, I'm so behind with my blog reading I fear I will never catch up!

      Delete
  2. I love a grand finale! This one doesn't disappoint. There's a pattern for shit AND it's on the cover? It's a German magazine so I'm asking my husband for an explanation. I'll report back.

    Once, I tried waxing my bikini area at home - not advisable. The root of my pube hair is about the size of a golf ball, at least that's what it felt like. Just thinking about it has me curled up in a fetal position and sucking my thumb. Yeah, I won't be doing that again.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, please ask your husband what is up with German magazines featuring knitted shit on the cover because I'm really curious about that too!

      Oh shit, who ever invented waxing should be strung up by the pubes...that shit hurts!!

      Delete
    2. I forgot and he's snoring so I'll ask tomorrow. BTW, you're on my list of "Very Inspiring Bloggers" - just posted it. You're welcome.

      Delete
  3. Bikini waxes are not for me! I know what you mean about Xmas, I have a love /hate thing wi Xmas. What's that poo yarn all about?

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  4. And what a grand finale that was!
    I'd rather take a hedge trimmer to my Lady Garden, then go through the pain of waxing. And Zucchini, like Brussel sprouts and boiled eggs, are Satan's instruments of torture.

    Can't believe you've completed the challenge already, even unofficially. Well done. Your musings were easily one of the highlights of this challenge. :)

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  5. My grandmother used to sneak parsnips into things. I hate parsnips. Why you'd go so far as to stealth-feed a kid the one vegetable they can't stand, I have no idea. Surely parsnips, or zucchinis, don't have some vital nutrient that can't be found in any other food source. WTF.

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  6. LOL - You crack me up. I am no fan of waxing, but I can't escape since I do it myself.

    Rhonda @Laugh Quotes

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  7. I used to wax my eyebrows because they tend to get a little unruly. Not unibrow bad, but more like Brooke Shields on steroids. The last time I had them waxed, the chick doing it (who I refuse to believe had any experience) pulled so hard she yanked chunks of skin off. I looked awesome. Haven't been back since.

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  8. Living in Brazil they are the queens of waxing, it really doesn't hurt here, they have it down to a fine art and so quick. Now I tried threading on my eyebrows in UK, dear god I nearly died the pain was a incredible but in fairness it did last a long time and the were the best they'd ever been , but bloody hell it hurt.
    love your blog:)
    #atozchallenge
    maggie at expat brazil

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  9. I know what to get you for xmas, a knitted zucchini sweater.

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  10. Bikini wax

    Bikini line should be hair free for summer suits.It can be done at home using hot wax or cream.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bikini wax

    Bikini line should be hair free for summer suits.It can be done at home using hot wax or cream.

    ReplyDelete