E is for Easter

Easter is a sort of bizarre holiday. Not only does it celebrate the death of a beloved religious figure who a couple days later returns as a zombie (and who's followers, I might add, are strangely happy about this development and not terrified out of their fucking minds that their leader is Ground Zero for the now-inevitable, future zombie apocalypse), but it's also thrown in with the pagan orgins of celebrating the spring equinox, the egg as a symbol of new life and the rabbit as a fertility symbol. When you put it all together it's a celebration of the circle of  birth, sex, death. With chocolate, which in my opinion is the only thing that keeps anyone from questioning this holiday mashup too closely, because who cares about clashing religious philosophies and zombie apocalypses after you've entered a sugar coma caused by eating 10 lbs of those little chocolate eggs?

 Easter has been further distorted by commercialism, which has resulted in a generation of kids being scared shitless by a guy dressed in a giant deranged-looking rabbit suit who hands out out chocolate that we insist our kids take, despite teaching our kids to never take candy from strangers. But candy from some freak in a bunny suit is fine. No wonder kids these days are so fucking confused.

That thing is creepy as hell and I'd be trying to get as far away from it as possible if I was that kid too

How phobias are created

Because nothing says Happy Easter like Chocolate Crucifixion Jesus on a stick

Easter gets only one flaming middle finger on the Hate-O-Meter, mostly because it's more confusing than hate-fueling,. Also working in Easter's favour, apparently there are drive-by crucifixions in the South for Easter, where you can pack up your family in the minivan and spend an enjoyable afternoon watching the crucifixion get re-enacted without even having to leave your vehicle, which is horrifyingly awesome