The hysterectomy experience started sucking when, to my vast disappointment, I discovered I hated morphine because it kept me dopey but awake all night and made me so itchy I scratched my arms and legs raw. Then, after I demanded different, non-opiate-based drugs and came out of my dope-fog, I remembered I hadn't had a cigarette for over 24 hours and forgot to put a nicotine patch on, which made me start feeling slightly hysterical. Then I also realized I hadn't eaten since the night before the surgery and was starving. All these things combined to create a perfect storm of murderous emotions.
After I not-so-nicely asked the nurse to bring me some food before I throttled someone, I was served what had to be the worst breakfast in the history of gastronomy. Gloppy porridge that was gray...GRAY, I say, and the exact consistency (and likely, taste) of Elmers Glue. Plus a container of milk. And an elf-sized cup of tea.
 |
| I'm not even kidding when I say a bowl of Elmers would have been more appetizing than that fucking graysludge |
THAT'S IT?????
I could not finish my bowl of glue because it was so disgusting, so I pinned my hopes on lunch. Which turned out to be cream of mushroom soup (which I hate to begin with), also gray (Dear hospital kitchen staff: What the fresh hell are you people doing??? Gray food does not exist in nature. Also, I realize this ain't French Laundry, but holy shit, is this some kind of scam to poison me and keep me in your facilities even longer??). A side of milk and more tea for elves, and that was lunch.
At this point I'm sore as hell, still itchy and about to have a nervous breakdown from nicotine withdrawal and starvation, so I go lurching out to the nurses station, trailing IVs and catheter poles behind me and demand to know why I'm being fed pig slop. And find out apparently they have me down for an all-liquid diet by accident. The nurse must have seen all the build-up of crazy on my face and made sure I actually had a tray of real food and not glue for dinner. Of course it was also horrible, but at that point a pack of Saltines and a hunk of moldy old cheese would have been a feast, so I ate every bite of that hockey puck trying to pass as meatloaf, and wept with gratitude over the pile of re-hydrated potato flakes.
Hospital food gets 5 flaming middle fingers on the Hate-O-Meter, because I'm still pissed off about the gray glue meals
How on earth did they make porridge grey!
ReplyDeleteI don't even want to know lol
DeleteActually, the worst I've ever had was airline food. It was last year on an international flight and you'd think they'd at least serve food fit for human consumption on those things. But no. And I almost didn't eat it. However, considering the price of my damn ticket, I figured I could eat anything if it had enough salt on it. And that's exactly what I did. So glad I had a plastic spork to eat it with too.
ReplyDelete:/
Airline food is right up there with hospital food...just disgusting!
DeleteFunny stuff! When I had my son, the hospital had pretty good food--no complaints. When I had my daughter 6 years later at a different hospital the food was awful. First off, I gave birth at 4:31 in the afternoon and was in my room by 5:15. I got settled and asked a nurse for some food--I was freaking starving since I just pushed a baby out of my parts!!! Well the nurse told me the kitchen was closed. CLOSED as in no food. I basically thought I might lose it and start bawling but she "found" a chicken salad sandwich. I never in my life would have thought I would eat a "found" sandwich laden with mayo but I ate it right up. To make matters worse, the hospital was on a health kick and everything was low fat and the portions were so small it was ridiculous. I just had a baby, I am not looking to fit into skinny jeans tomorrow--thanks!
ReplyDeleteObviously, you brought up painful food memories today. sniff sniff
The maternity ward I was in had a fridge and a small pantry with stuff like yogurt, fruit and crackers for all the new moms to nosh on in between meals, which was nice at 2 in the morning and you were starving
DeleteHell, I'd eat a found sandwich too if I just had a baby and was hungry too :)
I eat hospital food a lot, cause I have a weekly morning meeting at one, so I will grab breakfast. You just have to know what to get...steer clear of the oatmeal, which is also grey, and stick to eggs and potatoes, or yogurt and fruit. Of course patients have no choice, so if slop is on the menu, slop is what they get :)
ReplyDeleteI think they serve slop just to get you the hell out of there faster lol
DeleteThat sounds so darn nasty. Each time I've been in the hospital to have my kids I've had them sneak real food in for me. I can't eat that garbage they serve. It makes one wonder where they get it and how they prepare it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the challenge.
http://www.thebusymomsdaily.com/2013/04/blogging-from-to-z-april-challenge_9.html
The lady in the bed next to me, her husband brought her McDonalds one night and I almost cried because it smelled so good
DeleteLast time I was in hospital, I had a pudding with what I thought were raisins in it. It was only as I lifted the spoon to my mouth, that I realise it was a BEETLE! I asked my friend to bring me a bacon sandwich after the shock...I'm a vegetarian. :)
ReplyDeleteEWWWWWWWWW!!! I'd never be able to eat raisins again!
DeleteExcellent post! I agree. The only time I had good hospital food was each time I had my kids. Medina Memorial Hospital in NY. The have a small waiting room on the maternity floor and they set the table all pretty and we had a steak dinner. Nice.
ReplyDeleteHistory Sleuth's Writings
Holt crap, steak dinner??? Nice!
DeleteElmer's glue is delicious if you put it on a microwave cooked sponge.
ReplyDeleteMmmm....sounds appetizing! lol
DeleteI've never been able to stomach hospital food. How in bloody hell someone can make french toast look like it was pulled out of the sewer is just beyond me.
ReplyDeleteNice going with the 5 fingers on this one ;)
The grey glop deserved infinity middle fingers, it was so disgusting
DeleteThat is a lotta hate, but with good reason!
ReplyDeleteYou made that porridge sound SOOOO appetising. I have porridge for breakfast each day at work, but mine does have flavour. haha
I normally like porridge, but whatever this was, it was horrible...how do you wreck porridge??? I just don't get it
DeleteNasty crap. My sister hid a Big Mac under her shirt for me when I had my daughter. The nurse told us it was fine to eat outside food so I ordered pizza and didn't touch the hospital stuff. Fast food may be bad for you but hospital food will kill you (or just make you gag a lot).
ReplyDeleteBeing in the hospital is bad enough, so why do they have to force you to eat pig slop on top of it? Just stupid
DeleteBleh. When I had my kids, we were fine eating food from other places. But I did have a sandwich or two, because I figured there was no way you could really screw up a sandwich. I was wrong. It's like they buy all the leftovers from the gas station...
ReplyDeleteYou've got to wonder who is actually making this crap and are they playing some kind of sadistic joke
DeleteWhen I was pregnant I had to stay for a couple of days... I liked the food. But I was pregnant and probably would have been happy to feast on my own hand.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi
I had my son in the same hospital as I had the surgery and I don't remember the food being so awful...but then again, I wasn't paying attention to anything but the baby at that point
DeleteMy best friend brought pizza just after my daughter was born or I would have died. I swear (SWEAR) that the hopsital served me wild boar. If the childbirth wasn't bad, the boar more than made up for it!
ReplyDeleteDiary of a Square Toothed Girl
I don't even want to know what kind of "meat" they actually use lol
DeleteI have a picture floating around on my phone or computer of what's supposed to be scrambled eggs, which were served to my dad when we were stuck in the ER once, because they couldn't find him a bed on the floor. The alleged eggs were a nasty, greyish-yellowish color, and they had an odd texture. In short, they were frightening. I don't understand it, either, because the food in that particular hospital's cafeteria isn't all that bad! They have a great soup and salad bar, and their made-to-order deli sandwiches are pretty decent, too. But the patient food...? SCARY!
ReplyDelete