Thursday, 18 April 2013

Poultry: Turkey Borg and violating your dinner

When I was a kid, my mom and I went to visit some relatives we'd never met before and they had a turkey farm. There were hundreds of turkeys and what I noticed was turkeys are like the Borg...they seem to share a brain and operate as a collective. I imagined some unseen force directing an army of stupid feathery soldiers in a bid to take over the world, and as revenge for humanity eating their delicious fallen brothers. Sound far-fetched? Check this out:




Notice how they're surrounding her so she has nowhere to flee? The chorus of gobbling, all at the same time? The way the turkeys move as one? Turkey Borg is the only explanation.

Turkeys aren't the only poultry we should fear. Chickens are just as horrible. They're loud, they shit everywhere and they're mean little bastards who will peck you eyes out if given the chance. Chickens will also eat other chickens, which makes them sadistic (yet stupid) cannibals.

Let me get close enough and I will peck you to death. TO DEATH.
The only good thing about poultry is that dead poultry is delicious poultry when cooked. However I have a horror of touching raw poultry because it's fucking gross and slimy and creepy. This makes Thanksgiving all kinds of fun because not only do I have to touch raw turkey, I have to put my hand inside, which requires I drink a bottle of wine beforehand to help with the trauma of turkey-cavity-violation

Apparently I'm not the only person out there who gets into the alcohol before they touch raw poultry
Poultry earns 3 flaming middle fingers on the Hate-O-Meter. That will change to 5 when the Turkey Borg take over




16 comments:

  1. Your un-official post for the letter p is awesome. I am no fan of poultry, alive, dead or on my plate.

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    1. On my plate is my preference. Mostly if someone else cooks it though...touching it when it's raw is so disgusting

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  2. I have a horrible traumatizing childhood chicken story, and yet, chicken is my favorite meat, lol

    Riding My Own Biography
    NINJA ZX-14 MotoVlog

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    1. Ok, now I need to hear your traumatizing chicken story!

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  3. I agree with you totally on this post. Geese are another terrible fowl, and they have teeth.
    Katie atBankerchick Scratchings

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    1. Geese are assholes. A friend of mine has a flock of geese that live on their property...they honk all the time and shit profusely...and if you get too close they try to rip your face off.

      They have teeth??? Holy shit, geese just earned another flaming middle finger!

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  4. I was going to write a witty comment but I've just read what you wrote about yesterday's post and I am PISSED!

    You're one of the best things to come out of this sodding challenge and because you won't deign to bow down and observe the rules that, lets's face it, a shitload of other bloggers are also ignoring, you've had complaints! I am NOT a happy woman. Sorry for digressing.

    I'm just glad you're still posting your a-z posts. I'd be lost without them. :)

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    1. Ironically, I only had one complaint about the swearing (an older lady who scolded me gently but was nice about it)while I was still participating. It was after I wrote the post about bowing out that some woman who has appointed herself the blogging police for the challenge ranted about my "fowl" blog on A-Z's Contact Us post. I responded to her comment there (quite politely too, with no swearing) but my comment is still not showing, so I guess the A to Z team didn't approve it. Their challenge, their choice...I just think it's interesting that the blogging policeperson's comment was allowed and mine wasn't...bit of a double standard at work here?

      Thank you for the support Lily :)

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  5. Actually, I found the hysterical reporter to be the most annoying of the flock. As for chicken I LOVE IT--on my plate. Our neighbor gives us fresh goose eggs from time to time (we live out in the country) and we enjoy those too. But yeah, chickens/turkeys etc, aren't bred for brains and the more stupid the animal, the more aggressive it tends to be. Kinda like people now that I think about it.

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    1. The reporter....omfg, she IS annoying. Mind you, I'd probably be annoying like that too if I had been traumatized by a flock of turkeys lol

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  6. That's the single most awesomest Thanksgiving turkey I have ever seen!

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    1. I kinda want to do that next thanksgiving lol

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  7. Chickens are dumb and ugly. And roosters are the worst! Now those guys are mean! I don't know as much about turkeys, but they don't seem to be stellar examples of the bird ct I kind of the bird community, either. But I really wanted one of them to peck that reporter, cause she was annoying!!

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    1. Roosters are assholes!! My friend has chickens and a rooster, and the rooster is the biggest douchecanoe of the bunch...he will lunge at you and try to peck a hole in your leg. Little feathery jerk.

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  8. My grandmother had chickens behind her house when we were growing up and those fuckers hated me. Anytime I went anywhere near the pen they'd freak out, and if I had to go inside they'd peck my legs. I hated it.

    Chickens aside, I *need* a blog button for you! Do you have one? If you do I'm completely blind and can't find it :(

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