Sunday 27 January 2013

Handling plutonium would have been less horrific



I decided to be all domestic and shit this morning and all it brought me was a possible death sentence.

I should probably explain that statement.

In the middle of cleaning my apartment, I took the full garbage bag out of the garbage can. And noticed something at the bottom. In my defence, the inside of the can is black and I tend not to notice if there’s anything stuck at the bottom…which will never happen again because what has been seen? Cannot be unseen.

I’m assuming it used to be a piece of pizza, because it was triangular in shape, but that’s where any resemblance to actual food ended. It was grey and green and whatever the fuck had colonized on it had spread all over the bottom of the can. It looked like a science project about mold had gone awry and taken on a life of it’s own. After a few choice curse words and throwing up in my mouth, I put on an oven mitt with a plastic bag over top of it and gingerly eased it into another plastic bag inside a second plastic bag. I’m pretty sure people who handle plutonium transport it less carefully than I moved this alien creature. Then I realize I need to clean out the can itself, so I hauled out my trusty jug of bleach.

I should have thought that through a little more first.

Because you know what happens when you spray bleach into a mold colony? All the fucking mold spores react in horror and attempt to make their escape in a cloud of powdery dust, which caused a lot of shrieking and resulted in me tying a dishcloth over my face for protection, because at that point my thought was “sweet raptor jebus, how much of that shit did I just breath in???? My lungs are full of fucking mold spores! MOTHERFUCKING SPORES!!!” Which also made me realize there is an untapped market for home hazmat suits and respirators and why has someone not gotten on that shit???

Needless to say, once I finished the mold removal from the can, I spent the next hour bleaching every single surface of my kitchen, and another half hour in the shower scalding myself and scrubbing off the first couple layers of skin. I kind of felt like Meryl Streep in Silkwood, minus the radiation. But the hysteria was pretty close.

I’m really hoping all the bleach fumes I breathed in counteract the mold spores. Because I really don’t want to die a horrible death brought on by old pizza and my lack of good housekeeping skills. That would just be embarrassing.

14 comments:

  1. OMG, I so feel your pain. I feel that way every time I clean.

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    1. That was the first time in a long time that cleaning made me throw up in my mouth

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  2. Professionally speaking, bleach does nothing for mold. It's just like pouring alcohol on a fire. That said, I'm sure you'll survive this time :)

    And speaking of alcohol, someone brought me a 3 ounce plastic bottle of Fireball from Florida. I immediately thought of you!

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    1. Well shit...I inhaled all those bleach fumes and wrecked my favorite yoga pants for nothing??? DAMMIT.

      Yay for Fireball!!!

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  3. LOL...Bleach is not a good choice!

    Anyway, as far as stuff that kills mold goes, there are many chemicals out there that WILL kill mold, however, the really effective ones are quite toxic. Bleach (while often recommended by the unknowledgeable) is a bad choice. Not very effective in actually killing mold spores, it bleaches out the pigment (so it gives you the illusion that you've eliminated the mold), and if you're using the recommended 10-1 dilution with water-household bleach (5% sodium hypochlorite & 95% water), your actually putting 99% water on a moldy surface. Once that chemical flashes off you're left with a damp surface & a bunch of startled, but fundamentally viable mold spores with "payback" on their minds--they'll be ba-a-a-ck! And that bleach solution's offgassing that you're breathing in the process is not healthy for you, your family or your pets either!

    Anyway, I enjoyed checking out your blog--good stuff!

    Ck out my indoor environmental posts/blog at www.IAQtechnologies.com or some very non-professional stuff at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Man-Kitchen-Show/492259547462515?ref=hl (The Man Kitchen Show)

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  4. I didn't dilute the bleach...is that a good thing or did I just create an even-worse toxic stew??

    Shit...now I'm gonna have nightmares about mold spores wearing ski masks and toting tiny little switchblades while they mutter "This is payback for the bleach-shower, bitch"

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  5. There is ALWAYS evil lurking at the bottom of the garbage can. I handle it the same way; too many bags and a melt-your-skin-off shower to detoxify anything that may have come into contact with said evil.

    If the spores come at you with tiny switchblades, shoot them in the face with Lysol. And then run like hell, because it might just make them even more mad...

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    1. I was tempted to throw the entire garbage can in the dumpster, just to avoid the mold cooties

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  6. I would totally buy a home hazmat suit for use during diaper changes - twins still in diapers = up to SIX poopy diapers a day!! And that is when they are HEALTHY1

    I do hope you don't start growing pizza trees in your lungs.

    Thanks for linking up to the Pity Party - I hope you have fun!

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  7. I wish I had a hazmat suit when my son was a baby...he was a prolific pooper

    A pizza tree would be awesome!! But on my lungs, probably not so much

    Thanks for having me...I had a great time and found some new-to-me blogs!

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  8. I'm so glad you had fun! Imagine a prolific pooper x2 - I have twins who are SO regular that sometimes I change SIX poopy diapers a day.

    Do you have a twitter account? or Facebook? I'm promoting my Pity Partiers this week and I can't find your there. thanks!

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  9. I can't even imagine poopy baby x2...one baby exploding out of his diaper every couple hours was bad enough lol

    Yep, I'm the twitter...it's @Hair_Ninja411

    Facebook I'm on but I don't have a page like the clever bloggers do..I should probably get on that :)

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  10. hahaha - so funny! I hear ya! I've sprayed stuff and wondered why I had to go and do that as soon as I breathed in. The mother fucking spores was hilarious!

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    1. I really need to start thinking before doing lol

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