Friday, 4 January 2013

Grocery amnesia

Apparently I have a condition that causes me to buy groceries during what I can only guess is some kind of food-fugue state. Because that’s the only explanation as to why I would own a can of bamboo shoot tips. I’m certainly not an adventurous cook and for the life of me have no fucking clue what the fuck kind of recipe requires a type of wood in it…perhaps I was feeling rather Iron-Chef-like at some point, with dreams of presenting a daring recipe of Vanilla-infused Bamboo Shoots poached in a brandy-based demi-glace so delicious that all of Kitchen Stadium would be weeping in culinary pleasure. Except for Morimoto, who would so ashamed he was beaten by a rank amateur that he’d flee in embarrassment. However, the Bamboo Battle was unlikely, due to the fact I couldn’t poach anything if my life depended on it and I have no fucking clue what demi-glace is either. So what the fucking fuck is this shit doing in my kitchen cupboard?

Also, what the fuck am I doing with 2 cans of cream of mushroom soup? I fucking hate mushrooms, because mushrooms are fungus, fungus is mold and there’s no fucking way I’m voluntarily eating something that looks like it sprouted up in the toilet of one of those insane Hoarder people’s houses  (and don’t start in with me about cheese, which I love and also happens to be edible mold, especially the kind that’s so stinky and runny, it looks like a fucking science experiment gone horribly awry, which is the best fucking kind. Because cheese is totally different from mushrooms. In the way that it’s fucking delicious and mushrooms are not). I would never buy mushroom soup because I certainly wouldn’t eat it, yet there it is, sitting in my cupboard.

And cornmeal. What the fuck do you make with cornmeal? I’m sure there’s lots of cornmeal-based recipes, but since I am not from The South (and no, I also have no fucking clue what grits are, or why you’d want to eat something named after the shit you vacuum off your carpet. However, bbq and deep-fried pickles more than make up for the whole grits debacle, so you Southerners are off the hook), nor can I ever remember preparing food where cornmeal was an ingredient, I have no fucking idea why I own a fair-sized bag of it.

Now since I’m sure I’m not the only person with grocery amnesia, what’s the weirdest thing in your pantry that you have zero recall of purchasing?

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