Monday, 25 February 2013

The Oscars according to Spielberg

After never in his life giving a shit about award shows, my 13 year old son insisted we watch the Oscars this year. Despite the fact neither of us have seen any of the movies that were nominated (except Zero Dark Thirty, which my son saw and loved) and that I already warned him it's about a total of 5 minutes of interesting out of the entire 3-4 hours of weepy thank-you speeches, stupid musical numbers and  tributes to some guy no one knows except film-trivia-geeks that invented sound effects when he accidentally stumbled over a metal garbage can while drunk. I'm betting he'll lose interest right after Seth McFarland's monologue and want to watch a Criminal Minds rerun instead. Unless one of the female nominees has a wardrobe malfunction...then he'll want to watch right to the bitter end, because the possibility of more accidental boob-flashing is too tempting for any male.

Note: I shall henceforth be referring to my son as Spielberg on this blog, as in director Steven Spielberg, who he idolizes and is determined to follow the career path of. Seriously, the kid has been making his own movies/skits/sketch comedies for several years with the help of his buddies who enjoy hamming it up for the world to see, a video camera and close-to-professional-quality editing software...between the writing, directing and editing, he's a triple threat. And yes, I'm totally bragging because I'm proud of my kid. And possibly because I'm hoping he'll take me to the Oscars when one of his movies is nominated for Best Picture one day, where I shall embarrass the shit out of him by trying to hump Johnny Depp's leg and asking all the female nominees for a referal to whoever did their boob jobs.

Anyfuckingway, Spielberg and I got settled in with our fancy Oscar Night dinner (homemade chili and biscuts...probably not what the stars noshed on, but still pretty damn tasty) and we ended up watching the whole fucking thing.

The Official Oscar Show Review, according to my son:

Seth McFarland is a genius and should host every award show there is, as long as he sings about boobs and uses sock puppet for re-enactments every time.

All 13 year old boys would mistake Meryl Streep for Betty White. Also, they have no idea who Meryl Streep is and really don't care.

Musical numbers at award shows are dumb and there are far too many of them. Unless they're about actress's boobs and making fun of the night's losers. Songs like that are marginally acceptable

Steven Spielberg is a movie-making god and he should win an award every time he makes a movie. Or takes a dump, for that matter.

I can vouch for Spielberg's worship of  RealSpielberg, because he knocked his drink over in excitement one of the times the camera panned over to RealSpielberg. And now my living room carpet looks like the scene of a murder, thanks to the makers of Rasberry Crystal Light, who apparently do not have kids because if they did, all their fine drink products would be colourless to avoid unsightly stains and carpet-cleaning bills

Please click the button to check out the other I Don't Like Mondays posts!


26 comments:

  1. So Monday will begin with carpet cleaning? I hope your son becomes an-Oscar nominated director so you can indeed hump Johnny Depp's leg. xoxo I don't like Mondays-hopping Jane @nothingbtbook

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    1. Unfortunately I'm working a 6 day stretch starting today, so carpet cleaning is probably going to have to wait until next Sunday. However I will make time to email the Crystal Light people and suggest they ease up on the amount of food colouring in their product, because holy shit, that stuff is stainy!

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    1. Thank you so much and welcome to my nuthouse!

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  3. Aw, your kid is so cute! I love when kids are passionate about something at an early age. My nephew is also 13 and also makes films, so that instantly made me smile when you were talking about your Spielberg :)

    And that boob song WAS pretty funny actually :)

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    1. My son gets obsessive about things that he likes...hmm, wonder where he gets that from? lol

      I thought the boob song was awesome!

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  4. As the Mom of 2 teenagers (one of whom once blew up the house for a grade, and yes, I posted about it) let me say how glad I am that I jumped over here from Mod Mom's hop. I can SO relate.

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    1. Ok, I'm gonna have to find that post about your son blowing up your house!

      Thanks for visiting!

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  5. That is so cool. I hope he takes you to the Oscars someday too.

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  6. That's really cool that your son is so into film making! My 13 yo son half watched with me. He likes to make fun of the red carpet with me. But otherwise he wasn't too interested. I hope you get to the Oscars to hump Johnny's leg someday!

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    1. Leg-humping JD, that's the dream! lol

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  7. Please let me know *when* you make it to the Oscars, I will totally be DVRing that shit so I can watch you hump JD's leg. :-)

    Best of luck to Little Spielberg - start posting some of his videos - maybe he'll be "discovered" by a blogger with connections! ;-)

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    1. If (no, you're right...WHEN) I make it to the Oscars, I will make sure to live-stream video of the leg-humping!

      Spielberg lives in hope that some Hollywood bigwig will stumble on his youtube page...you never know :)

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  8. I can't wait to see you walk the red carpet with Spielberg one day!

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    1. It would be the coolest thing ever! I'd be so proud of him I'd probably spend the whole time trying not to cry :)

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  9. Yeah, I felt like the Oscars were particularly painful this year. I think I was a little like your son, in that I felt motivated to watch. Yet after an hour and about four really bad musical numbers, I had to throw in the towel.

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    1. OMFG, musical numbers need to be banned! Except when they're about boobs lol

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  10. Hahaha! You hump one of Johnny's leg and I'll hump the other.
    Very impressed by your Spielberg. Definitely sounds like we may be hearing about him in the future, especially with that kind of dedication.

    My Spawn is also a triple threat...to national security.

    Wonderful post. So glad I popped over after reading your comment. :)

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    1. Perfect! He's got 2 legs, so that will totally work!

      Thank you for visiting!

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  11. I've seen your boobs. You don't need referrals :)

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    1. Hahaha! Gravity is totally winning, thank god for pushup bras! ;)

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  12. I can't remember the last time I watched any of those shows. Who is Seth McFarland, and what happened to Billy Crystal, did he died? lol Zero Dark Thirty is on my list of movies to watch.

    Riding My Own Biography
    NINJA ZX-14 MotoVlog

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    1. Seth MacFarlane (I think I spelled his name wrong in my post lol) is the creator of Family Guy and he's hilarious!

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  13. Your son sounds awesome! You need to make sure you're his date for his first Oscar nomination :D

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    1. I already told him I call his Oscar plus-one position :)

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