The Oscars according to Spielberg

After never in his life giving a shit about award shows, my 13 year old son insisted we watch the Oscars this year. Despite the fact neither of us have seen any of the movies that were nominated (except Zero Dark Thirty, which my son saw and loved) and that I already warned him it's about a total of 5 minutes of interesting out of the entire 3-4 hours of weepy thank-you speeches, stupid musical numbers and  tributes to some guy no one knows except film-trivia-geeks that invented sound effects when he accidentally stumbled over a metal garbage can while drunk. I'm betting he'll lose interest right after Seth McFarland's monologue and want to watch a Criminal Minds rerun instead. Unless one of the female nominees has a wardrobe malfunction...then he'll want to watch right to the bitter end, because the possibility of more accidental boob-flashing is too tempting for any male.

Note: I shall henceforth be referring to my son as Spielberg on this blog, as in director Steven Spielberg, who he idolizes and is determined to follow the career path of. Seriously, the kid has been making his own movies/skits/sketch comedies for several years with the help of his buddies who enjoy hamming it up for the world to see, a video camera and close-to-professional-quality editing software...between the writing, directing and editing, he's a triple threat. And yes, I'm totally bragging because I'm proud of my kid. And possibly because I'm hoping he'll take me to the Oscars when one of his movies is nominated for Best Picture one day, where I shall embarrass the shit out of him by trying to hump Johnny Depp's leg and asking all the female nominees for a referal to whoever did their boob jobs.

Anyfuckingway, Spielberg and I got settled in with our fancy Oscar Night dinner (homemade chili and biscuts...probably not what the stars noshed on, but still pretty damn tasty) and we ended up watching the whole fucking thing.

The Official Oscar Show Review, according to my son:

Seth McFarland is a genius and should host every award show there is, as long as he sings about boobs and uses sock puppet for re-enactments every time.

All 13 year old boys would mistake Meryl Streep for Betty White. Also, they have no idea who Meryl Streep is and really don't care.

Musical numbers at award shows are dumb and there are far too many of them. Unless they're about actress's boobs and making fun of the night's losers. Songs like that are marginally acceptable

Steven Spielberg is a movie-making god and he should win an award every time he makes a movie. Or takes a dump, for that matter.

I can vouch for Spielberg's worship of  RealSpielberg, because he knocked his drink over in excitement one of the times the camera panned over to RealSpielberg. And now my living room carpet looks like the scene of a murder, thanks to the makers of Rasberry Crystal Light, who apparently do not have kids because if they did, all their fine drink products would be colourless to avoid unsightly stains and carpet-cleaning bills

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