The shush heard round the world

In case you were not aware, I am Canadian. The name of my blog might have been a dead giveaway. Unless you thought I was a maple syrup conspiracy theorist expounding my views on maple syrup heists and bootlegged syrup for the black market , which I'm not but why the hell has no one made this into a reality tv series??? It's all about the the sticky battle over who controls the maple syrup industry and has all the right elements that makes for good tv viewing....money, greed, power and sex. Ok, maybe not sex, but I'm sure they could figure out a way to throw some of that in there. And FYI, if anyone steal this idea from me, I expect compensation. I'll take cash or the equivalent in maple syrup.

All right, I completely veered off-topic. I can't help it. Maple syrup is just that awesome.

Anyhoo, I am Canadian and despite all the stereotypes that we live in igloos and ride polar bears to work (which is not true. Except maybe in Nunavut), the one thing that is generally true is Canadians are polite (except when it involves hockey or Rob Ford after the crack-smoking scandal ...then we are ruthless assholes). However, apparently some rabid soccer fans are making Canadians look like a bunch of douchebags that just ate an entire caselot of sour grapes for breakfast and it's a fucking embarassment.

From what I've gathered, Canadian-born soccer player Sydney Leroux has endured tauntings of "Judas" and "traitor", as well as racial slurs from Canadian soccer fans ever since she decided to play for the Americans. She scored a late goal on Sunday during a game against Canada and her subsequent on-field celebration sent hardcore Canadian fans into a pissed-off frenzy. And what horrible thing did she do to invoke all this wrath?


This:

Yes, because displaying your team pride and shushing your taunters who have behaved like hateful dumbasses is such a terrible thing.

First off, racial slurs are despicable. I enjoy a good insult, especially when it's warranted but insulting someone based on the colour of their skin tells me you're so mentally incompetent and cleverly-challenged, all your tiny brain can come up with is slagging on someone's skin colour. How pathetic, unimaginative and blatantly hurtful.


Second, I call bullshit on the "traitor" accusations. This isn't a war, it's soccer, for fucks sake. Did Ms Leroux suddenly become a double agent and run to the enemy to share Canada's highly classified soccer secrets, to be used against them? Will The Canadian Soccer Association be performing a black-ops extraction and hustling her off to a Guantanemo Bay-type prison, where she will be forced to reveal American soccer secrets, such as defensive tactics and whether next season's team shorts will feature red with blue stripes or blue with red stripes? Will all Canadian athletes, actors and musicians who have flown south to build their careers be declared traitors as well, and the minute they step back on to Canadian soil get sent to internment camps where they will be subjected to various tortures, such as being forced to watch episodes of "The Littlest Hobo", "King Of Kensington" and anything with Mike Bullard in it on an endless loop? Force-fed a combination of poutine and Screech until they vomit? Have them renounce America and prove their Canadian-ness by sending them off to the Yukon in January for a Hunger Games-type battle to the death (note to participants: take out Bieber first. He may look innocuous but I'm pretty sure he's secretly cunning and capable of creating an minion army of rabid beavers to do his bidding), where the victor is proclaimed Canadian Citizen of The Year, which includes prizes such a lifetime supply of maple syrup (the legal kind, NOT the black market shit), a spot on the RCMP Musical Ride team (byo horse) and the hockey team of your choice (except any team in Quebec. Because we don't want to give the separatists anything else to scream about).

I'm sorry, but since we do not live in some kind of Orwellian/dystopian world where soccer players are the enemy and stale bread is currency, perhaps we can be be logical and remember Canada is a free country and our citizens are allowed to move to other countries to pursue their careers without a bunch of blubbering asshats with their panties in a wad inciting a verbal riot against them. Personally, I applaud Ms Leroux for having the self-restraint to stop at shushing the crowd...had that been me, I would most certainly not been at all graceful about it and that shushing gesture would have been replaced with 2 decisive middle fingers pointing skyward.

The greatest irony of this story? Sydney Leroux is being derided as a traitor to her country, yet she's the one personifying Canadian behaviour, by keeping it polite and restrained. It's her haters who are behaving in a manner that is distinctly un-Canadian. Despite the overall ridiculous tone of this post, I think the whole situation honestly sucks and it makes me embarrassed to be Canadian when I hear shit like this

Oh and Sydney, if you ever read this? I will be petitioning Stephen Harper for an official apology to you on behalf of all Canadians who are assholes and have forgotten their manners. I'm pretty sure you could negotiate some maple syrup in with that apology too. Ask Justin Bieber for a hand with negotiations...I'm convinced he's cunning as hell and there might be some truth to the rabid beaver minion army thing. Do not underestimate The Biebs. Ever.

It's a twofer!!

I'm a horrible award recipient, due to a combination of procrastination and short term memory loss (either due to all the pot-smoking in the 80's or the pregnancy-brain thing that never did fix itself after giving birth. There was another reason but I just forgot what it was 5 seconds after I thought of it. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. Fucking irony). I'm also going to blame the Triad of Time-Sucks: Pinterest, fb and that fucking Candy Crush game that will NOT let me move up to the next level, despite finishing each of the first 35 levels because what the fresh hell is up with that bullshit???? UNLOCK THE NEXT FUCKING LEVEL, YOU CAVITY-RIDDEN ASSMONKEYS OR I WILL GET OUT MY IMAGINARY FLAMETHROWER AND MELT CANDYLAND INTO A STICKY PUDDLE....SCORCHED EARTH, MOTHERFUCKERS

 Ahem.

Anyhoo, back to these awards. I've been nominated for 4 Liebsters but I'm going to continue to put those off because I'm a lazy asshole and Liebsters are a honour, but labour intensive, especially when you save them up and have to answer 4 sets of questions, come up with 4 sets of questions and dress up 4 monkeys in tutus and teach them to perform Swan Lake (that last bit may or may not be required...I may not have read the rules clearly)

Today I'm going to accept 2 awards:

The first is from Marjorie at Don't Call Me Marge who I consider a member of my blogging tribe aka The Potty-Mouthed Pussy Posse, which I just made up right now and would totally make a badge for except for I don't know how to do that due to my technological ineptness. Also she had a brillo pad giveaway and I just saw I WON!!!! I seriously love her :)

To prove how devoted I am to this team, I promise that in the event of a zombie apocalype, I plan to amputate my leg and  arm and replace it with a cannon and chainsaw, respectively

What I love best about this award is there are no rules or questions or math questions you have to solve before you can claim your award...so I am honoured, grateful and a little relieved, especially about the lack of math.

The second award is from Starr at The Insomniac's Dream, who I also consider a Potty-Mouth Pussy Posse member and she is awesomesauce in human form. Unfortunately her blog will not let me leave comments anymore which is probably due to more technological retardation on my part because seriously, I still don't know even know where the mute button is on my phone, nor can I figure out how to add a fb/twitter/pinterest button to my blog because I can't understand the fucking tutorial

This award is super-cool, not only because it has the word "whore" in it (heehee) but look at those fucking boots!!!

 Rules:

1. Upon receiving this award, you will receive a prompt. You are to write about said prompt. (Whenever you feel like it)

2. Link back to who gave you this award and include the picture of the award in your post.

3. Pass it to just five bloggers. (You can tag back if you want to read what your presenter has to say about the topic you come up with.)

4. Come up with a prompt for the five bloggers you chose.

5. When you do finally get around to writing the prompt, let the blogger who presented you this award know. So they can read it.



So the prompt was Guilty Pleasures, and yes, I have several of those:

Reading: which I never ever technically feel guilty about except for a vague unease after I spend an entire Sunday reading and get nothing else accomplished. But I've learned to ignore the shit out of that feeling because fuck it...BOOKS!

The internet: I spend waaaay too much time online. I think it may be more of an obsession at this point than a guilty pleasure

Nyquil: I secretly get excited when I'm sick because I can dose myself up with this magical elixor. Fortunately I have enough self control to prevent myself from using Nyquil recreationally and turning into one of those people who visits 6 different drugstores so no one will question why someone needs 12 bottles of Nyquil at a time, but it really is the best part about being sick. Well that, and the stomach flu-induced weight loss, which also makes me excited once the vomiting and diarrhea ends.

Coming home from the salon on a slow day to have a nap in between clients: actually I don't feel guilty about this at all. So technically it's just a pleasure

So now I'm gonna pass on BOTH awards to the following 5 bloggers and your writing prompt is this:

If you were dictator of a small island nation whose only export to support the entire island was bananas, what kinds of cut-throat marketing and business practices would you use to insure that your island becomes a monopoly in the banana market?

Jenn at Jeneral Insanity
Kelly at Dysfunctionally Functional
Lily at Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose
Nagzilla at The Adventures of Nagzilla
Jenn at Something Clever 2.0

Also, I'm totally tagging back Marjorie and Starr...because I can :D

Mental deafness would be nice right about now

Let me preface by saying this: Carly Rae Jepson seems like a very sweet girl and I like that despite her fame, she has so far remained normal and not gone the trainwreck route, a la Amanda Bynes/Lindsey Lohan, nor  is she a serial dater who buys a house next door to her love interest after the second date, and breaks up before the ink is barely dry on the house title, then proceeds to release an album she might as well called "Men Are Dicks and Love Sucks Hairy Donkey Balls" (yes Taylor Swift, I'm talking about you. The breakup songs were amusing up until about 42 boyfriends ago. You may want to find a new kind of lyric fodder...I suggest you join a nunnery so you can avoid men for a while, or maybe the military where you could learn to channel your post-break-up fury by running over drug cartel kingpins with a tank)

Anyfuckingway, while I have nothing against Carly Ray, right now she is the bane of my fucking existance because her catchy tune has burrowed it's way deep into the center of my brain and will not fucking leave

My brain decided to play Call Me Maybe on an endless fucking loop with no off-switch last night. All. Fucking. Night. It was an ear worm of the most horrific kind and when I finally dozed off sometime around dawn, it started up again the minute I woke up. I'm feeling slightly insane today due to lack of sleep and think the lyrics should be changed to "Hey, I just met you/ you're tired and lazy/thanks to my ear worm/you're bat-shit crazy".

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to google DIY lobotomies before I lose what's left of my mind

This post contains taxidermied deer asses and giant testicles. Consider yourself warned

Since my week consisted of work and more work, with nothing earth-shattering to blog about ( although I'm still having a raging internal debate about the penis/middle-finger tree, which is a pretty good indicator of where my life sits on the excitement scale), I looked to one of my favourite sources of writing inspiration for blog fodder...Pinterest. Otherwise known as The Most Addictive Time-Suck In The Universe But Holy Shit I Cannot Stop Pinning all This Awesome Yet Fucked Up Shit.

I truly understand why sex shops need to post this sign because it takes every ounce of self control I have not to start dildo-sword fights with my fellow sex shop patrons any time I go there

This is a testicle mascot for a cancer support group in Brazil. I'm not really sure how effective a giant set of testicles that should invest in some manscaping ASAP will be in promoting cancer awareness, but it would be kind of awesome to parade your balls around town and not get arrested

I have no idea what this is supposed to be, but it's made out of taxidermied deer butts, which is fucking sick and fantastic at the same time

While I understand as a parent that we all think our kids are brilliant prodigies of some kind, deluding yourself into believing your baby is the Monet of shit-art puts you around Bat-Shit-Crazy:Level 127

Arts And Crafts For Serial Killers

I feel like I should end this post on a scientific note, because I am all about educational information. You're welcome.

Something wicked this way comes

This week's Theme Thursday topic is definitely an interesting yet complicated one:  Evil: Does it exist? What is it? How do you define it? Why does it happen? 

The word evil is defined in the dictionary as something that is morally bad, wrong or wicked. Pretty broad, and open to much interpretation, as far as definitions go, and I'm sure if you asked 100 different people to explain what evil personally means to them, you'd have 100 different answers.

Personally, I believe in evil because I believe in dualism. Where light exists, so must the dark. Where there is life, there is death...where there is harmony, there is chaos...ying and yang, etc, etc. I believe in universal balance and I could get easily get sidetracked and start blathering on about reciprocation in nature and opposites and a bunch of other shit that sounds so New-Agey that I have to check myself, lest you all start thinking I'm gonna suggest we all sit holding hands in a healing circle and discuss our charkra alignments, before we move on to protection spells and joyful chanting to charge the circle with positive energy (I mock, yet I've done all these things. And yes, the chanting made me feel stupid and I'm pretty sure mine was way less joyful than it was supposed to be, due to the voice in my head saying "Are you seriously chanting with a bunch of people who smell like BO and patchouli, and that smile way too much for no apparent reason?? They could be nice, zen-ed out, blissful people...or they could be the fucking Manson Family. Run for your life before they start playing a Beatles record backwards, you dumbass").

Wow, that whole paragraph just went completely sideways and turned into one long, run-on sentence, didn't it? It is obvious I'm neither Shakespeare, nor Plato but then again I don't really want to be either, because they probably died of the plague or some form of explosive diarrhea that today could be cured with antibotics and Pepto Bismol...hooray for modern medicine!

Fuck, I did it again.

Anyfuckingways, back on topic...I think all humans have the potential to be evil, just like I think all humans have potential to be innately good. Look at all the evil acts and behaviour in history and you can see that evil is definitely a human trait. While I think that some people commit evil acts because it's in their psychological makeup and their brain wiring is all fucked up (like how there have been studies on diagnosed criminal psychopaths that show their brain reacts differently than a normal person's brain to violent stimuli), I also believe that everyone has the potential to behave in an evil manner, but their own moral code is what keeps it in check. However, given enough negative stressors, whether it's a physical or emotional pressure of an extreme nature I think we're all capable of evil behaviour.

 Phillip Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment is great example of how people can and will react under extreme conditions. The roles of the prison guards and the prisoners were chosen at random, yet by the time the experiment ended rather abruptly after 6 days, it was noted that at least a third of the participants in the role of prison guards were exhibiting genuine sadistic tendencies and most of the guards were upset when the experiment was terminated early. So were those participants closet-sadists to begin with, and they just happened to volunteer for this experiment, where they had no idea which role they'd be assigned to? Or did the experiment allow the evil part of those participants that may have lay dormant and undetected up until that point, to come to the surface when they had an opportunity to behave in a cruel manner with no repercussions? I believe the latter.

And what about the rest of us? I've seen a trailer for a movie who's premise is that for 24 hours of one day every year, people can do whatever they want, with no repercussions at all. They can rob, rape and kill...24 hours of absolute anarchy, where if someone has done you wrong, you have a free pass for revenge, anyway you see fit. I'm sure most people's first reaction when presented with that scenario would be "Holy shit, what a horrible fucking idea!". But ask yourself this, in brutal honesty...is there someone that has wronged you or someone you love, and if you had a chance to punish them in whatever way you deemed righteous, would you do it? Would that make you evil if you did? Because that's the problem with evil...we may have all thought about seeking some kind of revenge on someone who did us a horrible wrong, but is having to live with ourselves after crossing that line into evil is what prevents us from breaking our own moral code? Or are we maybe more afraid that if we did cross that line once, it would make it easier to cross again, until we moved the line to the point we could not recognize good from evil any longer?

I suppose my point is, when I think of evil, I don't think of some nasty dude who smells like sulphur and pokes people with a pitchfork. In my opinion, every human being has the capacity for evil, but our capacity for good plus our personal moral code keeps it in check

Douchebag trees and social rituals that require bending

I noticed this morning that one of the trees outside my apartment looks like it's giving me multiple middle fingers. I haven't decided if this is a personal insult or it's giving the neighbourhood the middle finger salute on my behalf, because it feels a sort of an asshole-ish kinship with me and this is our way of bonding. I prefer to believe the latter. However, on closer inspection it could be penises instead of middle fingers, in which case, I have a motherfucking porn tree and don't even tell me you're not jealous that nature decided to grace me with a tree full of dicks

Stupid technology. I tried to make this picture bigger but it keeps shrinking it back. Trust me, it looks like a middle finger/dick tree. Also, this tree is proof that Mother Nature is either a sarcastic bitch or a pervert. Or both.

In other news, I was texting with Rigger (aka my boyfriend, and I was too lazy to come up with a really good nickname for him, so his job description will have to do...he's currently building an oil refinery up north and rigging is what he does. Not clear on what exactly that is, but it involves massive tanks, pipes and scaffolding that he can plummet off of if he's not careful. Also, a big crane almost fell over a couple weeks ago which would have killed several people, after which he informed me this job is 100 times more dangerous than his old job, which thrills him a bit because he's an adrenaline junkie and makes me want to look up "crushing injuries" on Web MD, but I won't because WebMD is already  a major contributor to my Paranoia: Medical Department.) and I asked him if he had a chance to try out the golf simulator at camp yet (since these camps are generally in the middle of nowhere, the company Rigger works for provides shit like an winter outdoor skating rink, 2 gyms, a game room, private theater and a bunch of other cool stuff for these guys to do in their downtime, to ensure they don't get cabin fever and start running around with an
axe, chopping people's heads off. Or something like that)

So far it's been a no-go with the golf simulator partly because there's a big list to get on it, but mostly because there's a bit of a bowing non-compliance war going on. You see, the company he works for is Korean...I'll refer to them as Company X. Company X works for Company Y (also Korean) and Company Y owns the golf simulator. Apparently the younger Company Y  Korean employees are not bowing to the older Company X Korean employees, which is a big-time cultural offense.I asked Rigger if he bows at work and if he he gets a hall-pass if he does it wrong because he's not Korean. He told me Canadians aren't expected to bow, but he bows because it's respectful. But there's different types of bowing, depending on who you're bowing to and now I'm wondering if the Korean language lessons he's taking at camp include bowing lessons and maybe they should, because he wants to move up in the company, so he should probably become an expert on bowing since maybe it's kind of like French shrugging, which indicates a hundred different things depending on shoulder stance, lip-pursing and how high you can raise your eyebrows.

Conclusion: Bowing is fucking complicated. And my boyfriend cannot golf because some asshole won't bow correctly.

Got my zen back. Apparently it was in Tofino all this time.

I am way behind on the ABC's of Swearing Challenge ( shit, damn, fuck, douchenozzle) and I am totally out of the blog loop but I have a really good excuse. I was on a mini vacation, reconciling with an old flame and I'm happy to say the whole thing went awesome. He's made some huge, positive lifestyle changes and I'm ridiculously proud how far he's come. The only thing that sucks is that he works up north building an oil refinery and the shifts are looooong...long as in he had his 5 days out and now he won't be back out again until sometime in July. However, he's one of those insane people that thrives on busting his ass in a dangerous job in the middle of nowhere, living in camp keeps him out of trouble and, as much as I care for him, having some distance is not a bad thing for us at this point. Plus, we text back and forth throughout the day so we probably spend more time talking then if he was here.

Anyfuckingways, we spent our mini-holiday in Tofino, which is my favourite place in the world. It rained most of the time, but the suite we stayed in more than made up for the weather. It was pretty luxurious, with a fireplace, a king sized bed that was so comfy you didn't want to get up in the morning, heated floors,  a private hot tub on the deck and Chesterman Beach was just steps away.

Part of the view just off the deck, which I would never ever get tired of admiring

At sunset on Monday night, which was one of the very few times the sun came out. They don't call it The Wet Coast for nothing

We surfed (first time for me, and oh, did I suck at it and got totally beat up by the ocean. Plus I discovered it is not possible to look remotely good or breathe well in a wet suit, but the water is so fucking cold, it's a necessary evil. BUT, it was fun as hell and I can't wait to go again), we golfed (rained out on the 7th hole, which was not entirely bad because I was playing like a blind amputee), we ate (found the best fish tacos in the universe!), we shopped (Best find: this t-shirt for me...

Could I have found a more appropriate shirt for the ABC's of Swearing Challenge? Motherfucking doubtful.

...and this paper made of actual horseshit for Spielberg)

Why yes, I find poop humour just as amusing at 42 as I did when I was 8

Of course I smelled it to see if it really was odorless. Also, buying this made me feel like one of those Rainbow Warrior environmentalist people because recycling poop is hardcore

...and we walked the beach, wandered around town, had lots of naps and spent lots of time relaxing. It was fanfuckingtastic and I cannot wait to go back (which we plan on doing in July).

So The Flame is on his way back to The Great White North, Spielberg comes home tomorrow after school (yay,because I missed him!) and I get back into work mode tomorrow.

What's new with you guys?