Tuesday 4 June 2013

The shush heard round the world

In case you were not aware, I am Canadian. The name of my blog might have been a dead giveaway. Unless you thought I was a maple syrup conspiracy theorist expounding my views on maple syrup heists and bootlegged syrup for the black market , which I'm not but why the hell has no one made this into a reality tv series??? It's all about the the sticky battle over who controls the maple syrup industry and has all the right elements that makes for good tv viewing....money, greed, power and sex. Ok, maybe not sex, but I'm sure they could figure out a way to throw some of that in there. And FYI, if anyone steal this idea from me, I expect compensation. I'll take cash or the equivalent in maple syrup.

All right, I completely veered off-topic. I can't help it. Maple syrup is just that awesome.

Anyhoo, I am Canadian and despite all the stereotypes that we live in igloos and ride polar bears to work (which is not true. Except maybe in Nunavut), the one thing that is generally true is Canadians are polite (except when it involves hockey or Rob Ford after the crack-smoking scandal ...then we are ruthless assholes). However, apparently some rabid soccer fans are making Canadians look like a bunch of douchebags that just ate an entire caselot of sour grapes for breakfast and it's a fucking embarassment.

From what I've gathered, Canadian-born soccer player Sydney Leroux has endured tauntings of "Judas" and "traitor", as well as racial slurs from Canadian soccer fans ever since she decided to play for the Americans. She scored a late goal on Sunday during a game against Canada and her subsequent on-field celebration sent hardcore Canadian fans into a pissed-off frenzy. And what horrible thing did she do to invoke all this wrath?


Yes, because displaying your team pride and shushing your taunters who have behaved like hateful dumbasses is such a terrible thing.

First off, racial slurs are despicable. I enjoy a good insult, especially when it's warranted but insulting someone based on the colour of their skin tells me you're so mentally incompetent and cleverly-challenged, all your tiny brain can come up with is slagging on someone's skin colour. How pathetic, unimaginative and blatantly hurtful.

Second, I call bullshit on the "traitor" accusations. This isn't a war, it's soccer, for fucks sake. Did Ms Leroux suddenly become a double agent and run to the enemy to share Canada's highly classified soccer secrets, to be used against them? Will The Canadian Soccer Association be performing a black-ops extraction and hustling her off to a Guantanemo Bay-type prison, where she will be forced to reveal American soccer secrets, such as defensive tactics and whether next season's team shorts will feature red with blue stripes or blue with red stripes? Will all Canadian athletes, actors and musicians who have flown south to build their careers be declared traitors as well, and the minute they step back on to Canadian soil get sent to internment camps where they will be subjected to various tortures, such as being forced to watch episodes of "The Littlest Hobo", "King Of Kensington" and anything with Mike Bullard in it on an endless loop? Force-fed a combination of poutine and Screech until they vomit? Have them renounce America and prove their Canadian-ness by sending them off to the Yukon in January for a Hunger Games-type battle to the death (note to participants: take out Bieber first. He may look innocuous but I'm pretty sure he's secretly cunning and capable of creating an minion army of rabid beavers to do his bidding), where the victor is proclaimed Canadian Citizen of The Year, which includes prizes such a lifetime supply of maple syrup (the legal kind, NOT the black market shit), a spot on the RCMP Musical Ride team (byo horse) and the hockey team of your choice (except any team in Quebec. Because we don't want to give the separatists anything else to scream about).

I'm sorry, but since we do not live in some kind of Orwellian/dystopian world where soccer players are the enemy and stale bread is currency, perhaps we can be be logical and remember Canada is a free country and our citizens are allowed to move to other countries to pursue their careers without a bunch of blubbering asshats with their panties in a wad inciting a verbal riot against them. Personally, I applaud Ms Leroux for having the self-restraint to stop at shushing the crowd...had that been me, I would most certainly not been at all graceful about it and that shushing gesture would have been replaced with 2 decisive middle fingers pointing skyward.

The greatest irony of this story? Sydney Leroux is being derided as a traitor to her country, yet she's the one personifying Canadian behaviour, by keeping it polite and restrained. It's her haters who are behaving in a manner that is distinctly un-Canadian. Despite the overall ridiculous tone of this post, I think the whole situation honestly sucks and it makes me embarrassed to be Canadian when I hear shit like this

Oh and Sydney, if you ever read this? I will be petitioning Stephen Harper for an official apology to you on behalf of all Canadians who are assholes and have forgotten their manners. I'm pretty sure you could negotiate some maple syrup in with that apology too. Ask Justin Bieber for a hand with negotiations...I'm convinced he's cunning as hell and there might be some truth to the rabid beaver minion army thing. Do not underestimate The Biebs. Ever.


  1. Wow! Fans really take this seriously... Says the girl who still mocks her brother for that time the Giants beat the 49ers in the playoffs... ;0)



    1. That's totally different...you have to mock your siblings, it's like the law of family. Or something.

  2. I don't know. I'm not a big soccer fan, personally... but SO MANY of them seem to be so freaking crazy that they act like savages. It actually turns me off to the sport.

    1. Hardcore soccer hooligans are a special kind of crazy...they seem to take obsessiveness to a whole new level

  3. American weighing in here: What the hell is “soccer“?

  4. there were so many awesome things said in that post that I can't comment on all of them. All I know is that I want in on the black market maple syrup ring.

  5. Oh bless her! if that was me, I would have waded into the crowd and administered a few head-butts and crotch kickings.
    What is it about sports, football/soccer especially, that brings out the hooligan in people? And I absolutely agree with you, to insult a person's colour, shows a distinct like of brain power. :)

  6. When you do your internment Hunger Games, can you make sure that Nickleback is part of the first run of contestants along with the Biebs. Maybe he can use his Justin Bieber duct tape to kill them first, and then Ryan Reynolds can take him out.

    and @Jenn- your comment made me laugh. Thank you!

  7. I dunno... Sex in a maple syrup based reality show sounds... sticky.

    People are funny when it comes to sports. I'm not a sports fan of any kind, so the whole concept escapes me.

    (PS: The idea of a Bieber-beaver army is both hilarious & scary at the same time.)

  8. My God, don't make Sydney consort with The Bieb! The horror, the horror! Hasn't she suffered enough???

    I'm sorry she has to deal with this. Getting so hyped up over something so ridiculous is just...well, ridiculous. Crossing the line to use racial slurs is appalling. I hope the lady gets the apology, and respect, she deserves.

    Meanwhile, maple syrup and sex = le W00F!, but I'm gonna need there to be a hose nearby...
    Some Dark Romantic

  9. I agree. We may look polite and all, but Canadians sports fans can be rabid. Case in point, Montreal goaltender Carey Price admits to becoming a hermit because he's afraid of his "fans". If he doesn't do well, they hammer him mercilessly about his performance. I'm sure he's watching Littlest Hobo as we speak.

    In my opinion, Sydney probably made the best choice. With fans like that, who needs enemies?

  10. I love this post. The intro had e rolling, because a) I'm dense and didn't realize you were Canadian and b)because that would make a fun t.v. show