Monday 20 May 2013

Douchebag trees and social rituals that require bending

I noticed this morning that one of the trees outside my apartment looks like it's giving me multiple middle fingers. I haven't decided if this is a personal insult or it's giving the neighbourhood the middle finger salute on my behalf, because it feels a sort of an asshole-ish kinship with me and this is our way of bonding. I prefer to believe the latter. However, on closer inspection it could be penises instead of middle fingers, in which case, I have a motherfucking porn tree and don't even tell me you're not jealous that nature decided to grace me with a tree full of dicks

Stupid technology. I tried to make this picture bigger but it keeps shrinking it back. Trust me, it looks like a middle finger/dick tree. Also, this tree is proof that Mother Nature is either a sarcastic bitch or a pervert. Or both.
In other news, I was texting with Rigger (aka my boyfriend, and I was too lazy to come up with a really good nickname for him, so his job description will have to do...he's currently building an oil refinery up north and rigging is what he does. Not clear on what exactly that is, but it involves massive tanks, pipes and scaffolding that he can plummet off of if he's not careful. Also, a big crane almost fell over a couple weeks ago which would have killed several people, after which he informed me this job is 100 times more dangerous than his old job, which thrills him a bit because he's an adrenaline junkie and makes me want to look up "crushing injuries" on Web MD, but I won't because WebMD is already  a major contributor to my Paranoia: Medical Department.) and I asked him if he had a chance to try out the golf simulator at camp yet (since these camps are generally in the middle of nowhere, the company Rigger works for provides shit like an winter outdoor skating rink, 2 gyms, a game room, private theater and a bunch of other cool stuff for these guys to do in their downtime, to ensure they don't get cabin fever and start running around with an
axe, chopping people's heads off. Or something like that)

So far it's been a no-go with the golf simulator partly because there's a big list to get on it, but mostly because there's a bit of a bowing non-compliance war going on. You see, the company he works for is Korean...I'll refer to them as Company X. Company X works for Company Y (also Korean) and Company Y owns the golf simulator. Apparently the younger Company Y  Korean employees are not bowing to the older Company X Korean employees, which is a big-time cultural offense.I asked Rigger if he bows at work and if he he gets a hall-pass if he does it wrong because he's not Korean. He told me Canadians aren't expected to bow, but he bows because it's respectful. But there's different types of bowing, depending on who you're bowing to and now I'm wondering if the Korean language lessons he's taking at camp include bowing lessons and maybe they should, because he wants to move up in the company, so he should probably become an expert on bowing since maybe it's kind of like French shrugging, which indicates a hundred different things depending on shoulder stance, lip-pursing and how high you can raise your eyebrows.

Conclusion: Bowing is fucking complicated. And my boyfriend cannot golf because some asshole won't bow correctly.


  1. It's definitely flying the bird at you. Definitely. Just click the picture, by the way, and the full sized version (or... bigger version at least) appears.

    I wish I had a middle-finger tree. I have a giant sunflower outside my window all happy and cheerful and whatnot. Stupid flower.

  2. Yeah, that looks very much like a pornographic Christmas tree! Ho, ho, ho and oh!

  3. I'm totally jealous of your dick tree.

    Cut off a branch and send it to the asshole who won't bow right. That'll teach 'em!

  4. It would seem that like Paris Hilton, mother nature is indeed a dirty ho-bag. God bless you mother nature.:)

  5. Damn, I want a dick tree. I'm so jealous!

  6. Yeah, I'm with the dick tree crowd. That's just beyond awesome.
    Maybe he should ask if they'll let him golf if he can do the Gangnam Style for half an hour straight. Or, conversely, if they'll let him golf if he promises to never, ever sing or dance to that song ever again. I could see it going either way.

  7. What the fuck is that tree so mad about?! You're nature, sweetie. You just have to sit there and hug birds and squirrels all day. I've gotta get up and deal with asshats at work. All. Day. Long.

    Fuck nature.