Wednesday 24 April 2013

Underwear: Unless you're pulling a rabbit out of there, it ain't magical

I struggle at times with the concept of feminism. As a female, I'm all for equal rights, equal opportunities and I don't think gender should determine your worth as a human being or cause you to be excluded from something. I'm certainly not militant about it though...I like having the occasional door opened for me and I think it would be nice to have someone take care of me once in a while, since, like a lot of women, I have a tendency to want to take care of everyone around me and forget sometimes to take care of myself. Also, when it comes to my car I become a clueless dipshit who wishes she had a man to deal with everything vehicle-related...the Car Fairy has been slacking off and not magically fixing my ailing car in the middle of the night and I demand that bitch get fired. Either that or the Boyfriend Fairy needs to bring me a mechanic who will deal with all the pesky details I tend to ignore. Like tire pressure, the broken oil dipstick and the muffler that's dragging but won't quite fall off yet, no matter how hard I try to rip it off once and for all every time I go over a speedbump.

Anyfuckingway, my point about feminism is this: Thongs and g-strings were obviously created by a man who not only wanted to further sexualize women,but also play a practical joke making them walk around all day with a permanent wedgie. If we wanted to floss our ass cracks, we'd shove a wad of toilet paper up there and be done with it. And don't even get me started on women who walk around with their thong/g-string hanging out of the top of their low-cut pants....that's not sexy, it's a wardrobe malfunction.

Then there's the Scared Garment aka magical Mormon underwear. Mormons wear the underwear because "garments are a special piece of clothing worn as a symbolic gesture of the promises that they have made to God" (this is according to Because apparently there needs to be a website devoted to information regarding Mormon underwear). The "magical" claims are a little sketchy...supposedly the garment will protect the wearer from bullets, fire, car crashes, disease and zombies (I may have made that last one up...but you'd think it SHOULD be able to repel zombies if it repels bullets and the plague. Just sayin'). According to Mormon lore the only reason Joseph Smith died from a hail of bullets was because he wasn't wearing his magic underwear. I question why a man who claimed a direct link with God would forget to wear his underwear on that day, of all'd think God would have given him a heads up, like "Dude, don't forget to wear the underwear today...just trust me, you'll need it"
It's shocking to me that Mormons have so many kids, because this underwear looks like it's own form of birth control

Underwear receives 4 flaming middle fingers on the Hate-O-Meter. However when the zombie apocalypse happens and it turns out magical underwear actually does save humanity, then I take it all back


  1. Definitely remember to put a Mormon character in your zombie novel so you can show his underwear repelling all the undead.

  2. That looks like it's more uncomfortable than the butt floss. Wait...there's a website?

  3. I'm a feminist, but I still like men holding doors open for me and pulling out chairs. It's more about protocol and everyone knowing what they're doing so we don't all just blunder around knocking each other out with swinging doors.

  4. Personally, I find underwear to be boring and overrated. I don't find undergarments sexy, even when they are meant to be. I'm more interested in what they are covering up.