Thursday 21 March 2013

We'd get rid of the bbq after. Because we're not THAT kind of weird

Today's Theme Thursday topic is funerals, a subject that I really haven't devoted much time to thinking about. Which is unusual, considering that I'm a) a massive control freak, b) a planner, and rarely spontaneous and c) a hypochondriac who is known to haunt that WebMD site because I'm convinced I have the plague or anthrax. So you would think for all my paranoia and anal-retentiveness, I would have spent a lot of time planning my earthly departure...but I'm also an epic procrastinator, so that might explain the lack of effort.

My dad has suggested that when he dies, we have no kind of service whatsoever and we should just cremate his remains on the bbq to save money and for the sake of convenience. I wish I could say he's kidding, but I half-think he's serious, because my family is weird like that...except for my mother, who is the shining beacon of normality (except when she went through The Menopause and would temporarily lose her mind at times, which was really quite entertaining and hilarious for my dad and this day if you mention my mother's "own private summer", the dark look she gives you is awesome)

Anyfuckingway, when it comes to funerals/memorials/celebrations of life, I would not be completely adverse to DIY cremation if it was legal. I have no religious beliefs that compel me to adhere to any death rituals and quite frankly, I'll be dead, so it won't actually be my problem (it will be Spielberg's problem and knowing him, he'd probably lean towards the bbq idea, which is fine by me. Because I told you, my family is slightly weird)

I'm of the opinion that burial is stupid because it's a waste of perfectly good land and when the inevitable zombie apocalypse happens, we're all going to wish that cremation had been mandatory. And don't even get me started about how much coffins/caskets cost...why the fuck would I want my loved ones spending thousands of dollars on a box for me to rot in? Seriously, if you have your heart set on being buried use a cardboard box, or dispense with the niceties altogether because're made out of organic material already, so why prolong the inevitable? Go green and skip the box.

And since you are no longer in need of your physical body once you go toes up, why not donate your organs to someone who needs one, or donate the whole shebang to science? If someone can benefit from my kidneys or heart when I'm done using them, they're welcome to them. And how fucking cool would that be that your cadaver is the one they figure out a cure for cancer or diabetes on? Another option (which is my personal favourite. Genetic weirdness, remember?) is donating yourself to the Body Farm aka the University of Tennessee Anthropological Research Facility, where they study the decomposition of human remains. Yes it sounds horribly morbid, but how else is forensic science going to advance unless they can study it in controlled conditions, firsthand? Again, if I no longer have use for my body, might as well make myself useful.

As for a memorial-type service, I'd prefer not to have one, but that is the sort of things that is more important to those you leave behind. The only thing I'd ask is that it be informal and more of a thing where people share happy or funny memories.

Have you made arrangements for your ultimate demise?


  1. I am totally with you on being buried totally wastes precious real estate.

    But I do have some bad news. Even if you're cremated, you still have to buy a casket. :( Hey, I don't make these rules. Seems stupid to me, but that's what I've heard.

  2. F YEAH!! I totally forgot about the body farm! I wonder if they only accept local bodies. I feel like there would be a long waiting list to get in there. I also can't believe you're the only one who thought to touch on the zombie subject, duh! You late posters get more time to think up cool stuff like that.

  3. I'm being pieced out when I die too. I've never been very selfish, so I figure why start when I'm dead? I'm not even sure how much of me will be recyclable by then, if any! I say if you can't use it, turn it into mulch.

  4. I'm with you! I told my family I want to be cremated and set in the middle of dinner table every night. I figure it will make them remember me and keep them from overeating.