Thursday 28 March 2013

The hole in the ozone layer is partly your fault. At least try to feel a bit bad about this

Dear 16 year old Stacey

This is your 41 year old self, here to warn you and give you advice about a few things, which I realize is a complete waste of time because you're 16, not a strong listener and think adults don't know shit. But I'm doing it anyway, because being able to say"I told you so, dumbass" is fun at any age.

Collect and burn any pictures of yourself between the years of 1986 to 1989. Because that backcombed, spiral-permed-within-an-inch-of-it's-life hair will come back to haunt you at a later date. I know it's impossible to comprehend that your gigantic tower of rocker hair will one day be worthy of much mocking, but trust me, it will. Even Jon Bonjovi stops perming his lid and puts down the ratting comb. Oh stop crying, you little drama queen, he looks a hell of a lot better this way.

How could you not worship this hair?? It's magnificent

Speaking of your hair, please note all your hairspray use is contributing to the eventual hole in the ozone layer. I won't bother to suggest you ease back on the hairspray, because I know that won't happen until 1990, but at least take a moment to contemplate your role in the wanton destruction of the planet and apologize to Mother Earth  for choosing trendy hair over the health of the environment.

In regards to smoking, you may want to quit now because by 2013 hardly anyone smokes anymore and all those ex-smokers have become the Self Righteous Smoking Police. You will be berated, yelled at and lectured anytime you light up (which you only do outside and at a distance from any people or building entrances, because you may be a smoker, but you are respectful enough not to subject non-smokers to your habit, even when they're assholes who deserve a face-full of exhaled nicotiney goodness), which does get highly annoying after a while. So if you quit now, you can avoid being subjected to all this. Also, cigarettes are about $10 a pack now, which means your are spending a couple hundred dollars a month to blacken your lungs and possibly kill yourself in a painful way. So think of all that extra money you'd have to spend on skin-tight acid-washed jeans and Motley Crue cassettes.

The first time you meet your future ex husband, your friend will chug an entire bottle of vodka and throw up in your FEH's car. He will forgive you for letting this happen, but he will bring it up on occasion for the next 20 years. The second time you meet him will be at a lake party, where he is drunk, covered in whatever that shit is inside of glowsticks and he will be dancing/flailing around a bonfire. You will think he's a fucking idiot, but about 6 months later you will be living together. Despite the fact you will end up divorced, you'll have an awesome son together and remain friends, which will weird everyone out because you still get along so well post-split. The divorce will suck, but you will both be better off for it and your son will be fine.

I'm not going to tell you anymore specifics of your future because 1) you probably wouldn't believe a lot of it, and 2) there are some bad things that happen...but trust me when I say you will get through it despite when you think you won't. Just remember when you make shitty choices, your only option is to learn from them. And there are some things that you have no control over...these things will happen in spite of you and they will make you feel like you will never recover...but you will and you will be a stronger person for them.

Finally, I mentioned that you will have a son, even though right now you refuse to entertain the thought of ever having kids. He will be the best thing that ever happens to you, and you need to remember that because there will be times when you'll want to give him away to gypsies. He will enrich your life, make you laugh and smile and fill your heart with pride and a fierce love you did not even know was possible. Also at 13, his room will be a minefield of lego and it will smell like feet, no matter how much you bomb it with air freshener...just keep his door closed to contain the smell and watch where you walk when you do venture in there because stepping on legos is more painful than walking barefoot over hot coals. Trust me on this.

Good luck to you and don't worry, you do turn out fine. Eventually.


  1. Hey, that's my high school hair too! HA HA!

  2. It's amazing you got together after a beginning like that!

  3. Hmmmm - I am unfortunately familiar with the feet-smell bedroom. And I would love to burn pics of myself from '86-'89 too!

  4. Haha I am glad you didn't give your son away to gypsies!

  5. I can't stop laughing about the gypsies! I threaten that all the damn time, but they never believe me! They tell me that gypsies aren't real, and wouldn't take children. They also tell me that they know I love them too much to give them away. Children are naive.

    I think that this year, I'll take my kids to the renaissance festival and tell them that those are the gypsies. They're old/young enough to believe that. Maybe then, I'll get my son to pick up his damn LEGO pieces before bedtime...

  6. When I was little, I used to threaten my parents by saying that I wanted to run away and live with gypsies. I always related them to carnie folk. To this day, I still have a dream of becoming a carnie. I am always looking for carnie skills to learn, much to the delight of my husband and 2 kids...


    Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi

  7. Too funny! I'm ashamed to admit that the Bold Hold I used in the eighties probably did irrepairable damage to the ozone!