Skincare for the rich and insane

I was reading an article about Creme De La Mer this morning...for those of us peons who don't know what this stuff is because we don't travel by private jets or pay someone to scratch our asses because we are far too rich and important to touch our own ass, La Mer is a luxury brand face cream that costs $150 an ounce. The main ingredient is fermented kelp. That's right. $150 an ounce for seaweed. Why the fuck would I pay that much money to rub overpriced seaweed on my face when I can run down to the beach and do that for free?

Also, the latest trend in high-end beauty treatments? Blood facials. Kim Kardashian had one on her reality show (of course she did, because when you are a flaming narcissist, you are convinced that the time-space continuum will come to a crashing halt unless all of humanity knows about your bowel movements. Scheduled, of course, for maximum time management on Twitter) and I'm sure everyone will soon be clamouring to regain their lost youth via a procedure involving doctors drawing blood out of your arm, spinning  out the platelet in a centrifuge, which separates the red blood from the yellow platelets,  and then applying the blood onto the face via tiny needles.

Yes, she looks FAR more youthful and gorgeous now now.

Seriously? Did I mention this facial costs $1000?

First of all, when did facials stop being relaxing and start involving needles and looking like a vampire after a satisfying meal? And second, how is using my own 41-year-old blood going to make me look younger? Shouldn't I be using the blood of someone younger? Can you imagine the Craiglist ad?

"Blood donor wanted. Must be 20 or younger and genetically blessed with fantastic skin that has yet started to sag, wrinkle and yield to gravity. Blood will not be used in satanic rituals. Honest, it won't. Also, please do not contact the police, I'm only searching for the fountain of youth that may reside in your blood"

Finally, do you remember hearing about some actress a while back that kept the placenta after giving birth? I seem to recall she planned to either eat it or have it made into face cream or some weird shit because apparently placentas are chock-full of nutrients. While I will support any woman who wants to upcycle her placenta (despite the fact I think that's just fucking bizarre), eating it ventures way too far into cannibalism territory for my taste, and the thought of sticking it on my face is a little too Silence Of The Lambs for me. Because for those of you who had a sadistic asshole for a OBGYN who insisted on showing you the placenta right after you gave birth, you know that it looks like a large piece of raw liver. And that the phrase "what has been seen cannot be unseen" is totally true. And the thought of chowing down or applying the meat sack your baby spent the first 9 months of his life in to your face? I don't care if it makes me look 20 years younger, that's not going to fucking happen. Ever.