I think the Car Fairy is on strike. Bitch.

Fact: I am the worst car owner in vehicular history

In lieu of actual maintenance, I believe if I wish hard enough The Car Fairy will wave her magic wand and keep air in the tires, the oil and coolant filled and the Service Engine light that is permanently on is merely a suggestion as opposed to a warning to get thee to a mechanic immediately. I also believe if the car gets me from point A to point B without any pertinent parts falling off, minor explosions or sounding like a dying mechanical animal, then it works just fine. I live in a constant state of vehicular denial...like an alcoholic, I refuse to acknowledge my car has a problem and I really need to turn it over to a higher power, which in this case would be a qualified mechanic.

Case in point #1: the oil dipstick, which broke off a couple years ago. When I remember to put oil in the car (which is likely not often enough), I never have any idea how much is already in there, so I calculate that it probably needs a "bunch" and start pouring until my gut tells me to stop. I call this Zen Car Maintenance...becoming one with your car so you can anticipate it's needs. All my male friends call this "are you fucking insane?? You can't just guess how much oil to put in...get the dipstick fixed NOW before you fuck up your engine, you idiot!!"

Case in point #2: the Service Engine light. Mine is constantly on. Which is actually not a bad thing, because my dashboard lights only work intermittantly, so the ambient glow from the Service Engine light allows me to see the dashboard when it's dark. It's like my car is sensing my needs and behaving accordingly. That's what I like to tell myself, anyway.

Case in point #3: the tires. Which apparently require air from time to time. Last year I got really good about keeping the tires inflated, mostly because 2 of them had a slow leak and needed air at least once every few days. Supposedly, I have a gadget in my glove box you're supposed to use to check the tire pressure, which I didn't know about until my friend went to put air in the tires for me, and informed me one tire was so over-inflated that he was shocked it hadn't blown out and another was so flat I was almost driving it on the rim. This problem was resolved when one of the tires went so flat it was beyond fixing and I had to break down and take it to the tire shop, where they replace the one tire and informed me the other 3 were so bad that legally, they could not let me drive around on them and I couldn't have my car back unless I replaced all the tires...something about no tread, completely bald and belts sticking out. The nice man there found me 3 more used tires that were 1000 times better than my old ones and barely charged me for them...so enduring the safety lecture from him and eyeball-rolling and head-shaking from all the mechanics who took turned gaping at the horrible state of my tires was totally worth it.

Seriously, I should ditch the car and just start walking instead.