I don’t speak Internet Hipster

Thanks to technology (insert sarcasm here. Because I hate technology. And I’m saying that as I type this from my laptop while checking my Blackberry for messages. So also insert hypocrisy here) the English language has been subverted by hipsters, computer geeks and 15 year-olds into something that resembles letter vomit if you aren’t in the know. Screw a regular dictionary (not really recommended anyway because of the pointy edges and potential for papercuts in delicate areas)…you need the Urban Dictionary to translate this shit.

One of my other blogs is on tumblr and about 63% of the time I have no clue what anyone is talking about.  I follow mainly humour blogs mostly written by college students stoned on Red bull and Adderall/30 year old mouth-breathers living in their mom’s basements/hip people who take pictures of their lunch with their Instagram (who cares it was “taken with an Instagram”? It’s a pic of your pad thai, not the Mona Lisa, you pretentious asshat). Most of the posts don’t have much writing (if any) to them…they’re usually pics the poster has cleverly captioned or reblogged and added their 2 cents to, which is why I have a blog there in the first place…to use as my messed up pic repository

Anyway this techno geek tribe has their own language and I’ll be f-ed if I can figure out what they’re saying. And when I do on occasion figure it out I feel all smug and self-satisfied until I remember I’m a 40 years old who has no clue who Crystal Castles or Mac Miller are and don’t care either. It took about 9 months to decipher “gpoy” (great picture of yourself) so I figure another 4 years and I’ll know what
”ASG ASDFBASBNAEFDVSZ “ or “adljghjadgs” means (and I’m not kidding that those letters mean something…I just copied and pasted it off a post). I do however now know why Rick Santorum is being referred to as Assfroth (SpreadingSantorum…gooogle it), bacon is it’s own food group (like there was ever any doubt) and that you can’t help but say “Stap it Rahn Yer Trahmahtizing Meh” in your own head and not say it in Sammi Sweetheart’s voice, which is funny and totally annoying at the same time. So I figure I’m coming out ahead, knowledge-wise in the end