Blasphemy Sunday: Satanic toast and other shit to ponder

Holy fuck, I’m not sure what my next-door neighbour is doing but it’s either some kind of reno involving loud power tools or they’re serial killers and are currently disposing of the evidence with a chainsaw and getting ready to brick it over in our shared wall. Which I would imagine would start to smell before too long so I figure I’ll know if it’s the former or latter in about 3-5 days.

Anyfuckingway, I was busy gooogling satanic toasters this morning (of course I am…what better way to celebrate blasphemy then with the toast of satan? Mmm…brimstony flavour goodness!) and after watching what is probably the best minute ever presented on tv (I cannot decide which is the best part…the piece of toast with “Satan Lives” on it, the hellfire coming out of the toaster or the quote “well Richard…when all is said and done, it makes good toast”…fucking AWESOME) I started gooogling “satanic kitchen appliances” to see if satan has branched out to blenders and ovens but apparently he prefers to send his evil message via burnt bread.

Then I ended up on the Church of Satan website to see if they had anything to say about The Dark Lord and his toast communiqués. And from the tone of the website, I’m pretty sure if I emailed to ask about evil toast, I bet they’d inflict Rule # 4 (from the Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth, my personal favourite being #11,   “When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.”), which is

“If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.”

    

Now technically, email may not be traditionally considered a lair, but we are in the age of technology so it’s entirely possible a Satanist’s lair does extend to his electronic devices. So maybe I should just keep my toast questions to myself rather than risk their wrath (which they do mention on their home page…apparently they deliver, free of charge, to anyone who seeks to cause them harm. Wrath, that is. Not toast. Are you confused yet? Yes? Excellent.) Personally, I don’t see how toast can cause wrath, but then again, I’m unfamiliar with any Satanic Toast Doctrine, which I imagine is similar to Scientology, in the way that only the important people like Tom Cruise know all about the aliens…only the high-up Satanists know about the toast. Or maybe that should read THE TOAST. Capitalized to underscore the importance, you know. And that should probably be in some kind of gothic script too. I wonder if Satanists have a font preference? I’d email and ask but I’m pretty sure that might incur some wrath as well.

Ok, now I’m craving toast. With a side of wrath, please.